Saturday, December 17, 2016

Compelled.

I can't believe that I feel like I have to make this post. 

Subject: Babies

First off, I am getting old(er) and when I think about the future, part of that includes not being an "old" mom.  The future is now and not only am I on the brink of being an old mom, but our child will, no matter what, have an old dad.  The age difference is real!  So soon enough a baby has to be made, so he/she/it does not have an old(er) mom and the oldest dad! 

Second off, I am sad.  I am sad that people are seemingly ALL under the impression that a child is a choice for us.  Just an, "Ok, let's do it" type situation.  SADLY, it is not.  Long story short, I have not been on birth control for 8 years and I have not gotten pregnant once.  I am, *dramatic music*, the most infertile girl in the worldddddddddddddd!  We (I) cannot get pregnant naturally it seems after 3+ years.  We got some tests done, Eugene is fine, I'm just not ovulating.  YAY.  It could be an easy fix, it could be years of drugs, needles, tests, etc.  It could also end up costing A LOT of money and healthcare specifically does not cover infertility.  I found out last year that I had to basically "lie" and say that I just wanted a "normal cycle" and I could not even mention the words, "TRYING TO CONCEIVE."  Sad!  I would be up for adopting, but at that point it would feel like I am just giving up, and we haven't REALLY tried.  I know Eugene wants a biological child (all that manly urge to procreate and make more of yourself), but honestly would the world be ready for a CAPPLELITZ?  ;)

Third off, I am not ready to give up on my individuality.  Possibly.  I could be seeing things in a dysmorphic sense, but it seems like once you have a baby, the Facebook posts, the Christmas cards all become about the kids.  I'm kind of sad to see the people that I once knew becoming distant memories and only pictures of their kids linger.  I can literally only name one person (who is not a libertarian LOL) with kids 0-18 who actually post about dates with their husband, travels, thoughts, philosophy, work endeavors, etc.  I AM SO ANNOYED, but I wonder if I had a child if I would be doing the same damn thing.  It scares me that I could become a hypocrite.  But I DO know myself and I know that I am a badass who would not stop doing all the awesomeness that makes me unique!  But still.  Yikes.  This is how the term "breeder" developed as a negative term because it is SO nauseating if you are not part of the club! 

Anyway.  Just sick of it all, but kind of excited that SOMETHING could happen in the future.  I know A LOT of my friends that are my age without babies are feeling the same, so this post is for you, too.  On top of it all, the world is a great, but messed up place, especially right now.  Oxymoronic in so many ways when there is such a push to get people to procreate, yet healthcare barely covers anything in the realm of baby making -- inflated prices of activities and education for your child -- the standard government bullshit.  Still, there is beauty in the world and a chance to bring someone in to the world to add to it.  Unless you give birth to a future serial killer.  Everyone comes from somewhere!  ;)